So you fancy yourself a sleuth aye? Got Sherlock level detective skills that would make Batman jealous huh? Such a hardcore private eye that your completely colorblind and only see black and white and shades of grey? Is this movie about you, or are you because this movie? This is another one of those movies that you've either heard of - it's kind of a big deal from what I can tell in the mysterious black and white world - or it's probably much too old for you and you've got no idea what a maltese is, let alone a falcon. Let's find out if you should really remedy that.
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Coming hot off of slow-burn horror with people in the woods, I figured you all could use something more uplifting. As such, we brought out some good classy comedy featuring that zany musician a bunch of us all know and enjoy - Weird Al. Quirky and loony fun is sure to ensue, but will it draw some laughter from us to erase the witches of the past, or do we find ourselves cursed with a realization that maybe those old comedies aren't as funny as we thought they were?
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Did you know there was a new Blair Witch movie coming out? Yeah, surprised me too - and after realizing how little about the first one I actually remember, you would think that I would cash in on that by doing the original or it's mostly down-trodden sequel right? Wrong! You get creepy folktale witch movie without found footage nonsense! How do you like them golden snitches eh?
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I bet that somewhere out there, at this very moment, there are people who either haven't heard the phrase or don't understand the phrase "Silver Screen." I wouldn't hold it against anyone honestly, media of all kinds is very much one of those things that gets passed down from a generation as preferential recommendations, and not everyone can get over such arbitrary things as a colorized screen or up-to-date effects. For me however, tapping into the "old world" just means access to new (for me) stories from a time when storytelling had very different means. Put on you pinstripes gentlefolk, it's time to delve into a mystery!
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With so many Sherlocks floating about, one could wonder what sets one Holmes apart from another Holmes. Sure, we have the "best batman movie ever" action-fiesta Holmes staring Iron Man, and we have the Cumberbatch Holmes, and of course modern-spin Holmes and old-fashioned Holmes. Of all the Holmes on the market though, I've only really noticed this one Old Holmes movie. Dress for success, and let's see if this old Holmes still got it.
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Like you didn't see this review coming. People across the webs cry out in outrage! Fanboys form new ground-locked lakes with their angry tears! With such a racket - one that I'd argue was only surpassed by all the mass negativity towards Gods of Egypt - how could I not be expected to watch this thing and figure out what all the hubbub was about? Batten the hatches and pick your team, my opinions coming whether the signal shines or not.
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Is it too late to cash in on the Ghostbusters crazy? Wait, you mean to tell me that it wasn't a craze? Well, with my home theater finally back in commission, this weeks "dark offering" is a drafty tale of a ghoulish romance that just might paint he peaks blood red.
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I'm not gonna say know to a martial arts flick. Silly, serious, either one can be rather fun. Heck, even low-quality B-grade martial arts has it's place in the old entertainment shelf. So, whilst looking for another movie to tide over times till the repairs of my own entertainment center happens, we get to jump around a bit and entertain our inner karate-chop wielding selves with Bushido Man. At the very least, that's what we are hoping for!
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I'm not saying I really like "Found Footage" movies. I mean, I feel they have a lot of potential that nobody makes use of, so maybe that's why I keep watching that genre even though for the most part it's usually less-than-stellar results. This time around, it almost circles back to the one that started the craze to most people - that is, we get some witch action. Should we burn it, or did it come out not so hexed?
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A cut classic this one is. To boot, it's also based on a book - so what good cult classic wouldn't have itself some stressing points to add to the flavor? Watch a world of humans fighting a horrendous threat of giant space-bugs to survive. Would you like to know more?
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I'm drawn to movies with strange premises. If you've been around and seen the selection of my other opinion pieces, you've probably already come to this conclusion. It's to my credit that most of these movie are at-a-glance drawings either by word-of-mouth or a simple picture, maybe even a trailer. I normally don't know much about a movie, for better or worse, until after I get around to seeing it. Mel Gibson talking to himself and others through a beaver puppet is one such premise, and the answer to better or worse awaits being logged.
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I'd just like to go on the record and say I didn't do any research on this before watching it besides "will I need subtitles? No? Cool." I mean, science fiction! Something something Horus something something future something babies. I could make a comment here about it, but i think I'll make you read through it first to get to that comment.
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Did you enjoy that found footage giant-monster/alien thing movie Cloverfield? You did? Oh, wait, you said you didn't? Well, I'm not gonna call you crazy, because I can find reasons to not like it just as I can find reasons to enjoy it, but regardless I was pretty shocked to hear that there was a pseudo-sequel coming out when I heard the news. I mean, sure, I enjoyed the first, but most people seemed to be distinctly in the "nah, pass" crowd. Either way, color me interested and off we go to the prepper dream of 10 Cloverfield Lane.
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Mission Impossible. Shouldn't really need to say much more than that to really let a person know if they want to watch this or not - either you like the usually tech-filled spy fun or you don't. Stunts, fights, and subterfuge await, but will it be fun?
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The fabled disastrous heap of a movie of 2016. A film that nearly every single internet critic unanimously said was a giant steaming pile - so much so that the enraged man behind it told them they wouldn't know a good movie if it hit them in the face (paraphrasing on both accounts, of course). A movie that I haven't been so excited to be able to sit down and watch in a very, very long time. I mean, this movie was absolutely rife with terrible all over it, and if there's one thing I can get behind it's a bad movie. There's only one problem though - the movie's trailer actually looked pretty entertaining to me. So were they right, or was my gut feeling based on the trailer the winner of this joust?
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I watched so much G.I.Joe as a kid that I even did one of those mail-in "Get yourself as a character" toy deals from breakfast cereals (or wherever it was). Heck, I wouldn't be surprised if I one day came across that double family-size box full of the little brigands. When they put out the first, I already had seen enough movie adaptations of things to know to set my expectations to mediocre at best - and when all I asked for was a cool ninja fight between Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes, they tripled down on my expectations. So then they make a sequel, and I set my expectations at the same levels as before - could this sequel live up to terms of engagement, or will it have to slither away in shame?
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Return visitors will know that Godzilla's my jam. I love Godzilla - well, except maybe that terrible American one with Broderick in it, which is more based of off the fact that it isn't Godzilla more-so than it being a movie of contestable quality. I've got a whole slew of them under my belt - missing only a few in the original era from my viewing repertoire. I relish the fact that it's a crappy suit with a zipper hanging out, or a giant ferret-headed lizard of rage, or even the equivalent of a giant radioactive superhero that can regrettably talk to his monster-pals and has a hideous looking little stay-puft lizard of akid. You may have even read the Quick Flick rendition of this when it came out and I had seen it for the first time. Either way, lets carry on to the meat and potatoes shall we?
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It's rare that I find a movie that I feel somewhat bad about liking. I mean, at worst it should be a mediocre kids-are-zombies movie, and that should be amusement enough right? Then the trailer shows you all these jokes and you can't help get that Will Farrel movie vibe from it. Well, the best way to find out just how much you like something is to push on through it, so boot up that disc drive and let's take it for a spin.
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Why wouldn't I watch a movie that lays the seeds for me to imagine Under Siege (the train one) combined with werewolves? I mean, don't get me wrong. I don't expect Seagal to pop out and get into any gunfights in a movie that's pitched strictly as horror, but trains seem like a logical enough spot to bolster up the dangers of a werewolf. Heck, there's been other movies that have worked quite well on trains, so I wondered if this one would pull up to the station or I'd find it's caboose lagging behind schedule.
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Good old swords and sorcery. Yeah, it's unfortunately one of those genres - like hard science fiction - that never seems to do awesome in theaters (with the exception of the Tolkien mega-hits collection). I won't deny some of that comes down to mind-boggling choices from the creators (those Dungeons and Dragons movies, yow!) or maybe unknown actors or just too much exposition to get people to be able to understand what's even going on in the fantasy worlds. To be fair, to make up for those misgivings, a good fantasy flick provides dozens of interesting creatures - the best of which presented in amazing quality effects - and plenty of potential beautiful sets and costumes. Will this entry fall back beyond 7th place, or will it raise up like the sun?
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