Sky Sharks (2020)
In a shark no one can hear you scream.
I watch trash movies. It looks like I actually watch a lot of good movies if you look at the titles listed here, but this is one of “fraction of my power’ kind of moments. The good news for me, and possibly the bad news for some, is that I generally enjoy those trash movies that I do watch, even if I keep their cross over with the website relatively small. Not tonight though, tonight you get the result of me seeing a title and going “ah yes, sounds fun.” watching the trailer and going “Oh, and Nazis?” and then putting it in a lineup for a friend to choose who then decided this looked the exact right amount of stupid. Don’t think too hard, tonight is the attack of the Sky Sharks.
I wish I was joking here, but I’m going to start with the most honest statement around - what plot? I’ve rambled on about plots with threadbare plots before, but I’m going to be straight - there’s more unobstructed boobs in this movie then there is plot. Still, there is technically a plot even if it won’t bother to tell you any of it until about halfway through the movie because since Nazis are involved you already know the general idea before it gets into details - the big bads of World War 2 made some zombie-solder serum to make the reich last eternal instead of the supposed thousand years, and then decided that the ultimate weapon for said zombie mega-soldiers was sharks. I kid you not, anti-gravity adaptable mutating shark with missiles and machine guns. Why? Cause Nazis were bad at being people and logistics I guess, despite certainly not lacking in far-out ideas for weapons. As we know, it didn’t go great for them, but apparently a boat load of them manage to go hidden for decades to resurface and start a new zeitgeist.
Acting travels the line of entertaining people chewing apart the scenery like a shark making a mid-air snack of a plane passenger all the way to me not being sure if some of these people wanted to be there after they got told what they just signed up for. Highlights to the gang member who became a priest and his cussing problem, a horny Texan guy who looks like (because he is) the actor that play Shang Tsung in the original Mortal Kombat movie, and the over-energetic and wild military general whose shoulder is always blurred out for some reason. On the other side of that - a whole lot of people that may or may not be trying in a film that may or may not have much written down in language that may or may not be their second language. Most the time it’s bad it’s at least laughable - although at times I would fully expect it to be labeled as offensive mutliple times to people that hold their media to any kind of standards.
Characters are somewhere, but probably not really in this movie. The old guy gets backstory - which is more than any other visual on screen can ask for - but I wouldn’t call most of this movie any kind of arc. Everything has a feeling of whatever to it, and I’d be a little hard pressed to believe this wasn’t a lot of folks being told to be purposefully dull or corny with their performances here to match what the writing wanted out of characters. What makes me say that? Multiple people in this movie - including in seconds long roles - have won or been nominated for multiple awards. You sure wouldn’t know it with what the characters and movie show you. Expect the shlockiest, dumbest outcome when it comes to characters and how they are acted if you want to get mileage out of this - bring a friend so you can both laugh at it.
Moving past the human elements, we do get to some other parts of the movie, like effects. You may expect me to say this, but it is a very mixed bag - but if you go in expecting budget, small team kind of stuff you’ll find yourself at least gelling with what is on display here. Practical stuff ranges from good like the costumes for example - specifically the Nazi zombies, who somehow always when put into science fiction end up with awesome outfits despite being terrible people on a whole - to worse stuff like the straight B-budget practical severed limbs or wondrously over-active blood spurts. On the CG side of things, we get plenty to be happy or balk at. Sharks, for example, generally look pretty good, even with all their odd machine guns and mechanical attachments. Sometimes, them and specifically other vehicles look more like they escaped a Playstation one game. The violence effects are also back and forth, with nothing super zombie movie graphic in most cases, but through sheer number of dismembering and exploding meat sacs and stuff I can’t act like it isn’t wicked violent and or at least comically gory.
It’s not the only back and forth part either. A large portion of the movie has that “shot on green screen” feeling. The actual quality isn’t normally bad - feels relatively modern digital in that regard - but then at times it gets really weird. During one of our flashback Nazi exposition dump scenes, I swear to goodness that they used some sort of stabilizer on the footage, like someone locking the camera rotation to a head in a extreme sports video. I didn’t just imagine it either - my watch buddy also started to ask about it right before I could say something. It’s the weirdest thing, as it’s literally just two people talking and standing still in the shot, so all I could think of is it must be covering for something - perhaps both people weren’t really there at the same time and they had to stabilize someone who had shakier footage to make it look right or something. Settings do get to be rather varied, but you won’t routinely escape the feeling of it being a green screen replacement for most the movie.
If you are trying to use your brain and think about topics in this movie, I can only say bless you and please go touch some grass. You are going to need a mental health day from all the straining your gray matter is going to be doing trying to wring some deep meaning out of this. The closest I can get is the classics of “Nazis bad” and science needs to stop playing at being god. Anything more than that and you’ll be doing mental gymnastics that you should have split with at the door by turning that switch to “dumb and enjoy.” With the shear number of bare boobs in this movie (and one lady whose actually full nude for a good stint) - although they all seem to at least have their bottom bits fittingly protected from actually being on display through classic means - I could see some propping it up as some sick twist of objectifying women. Maybe they are right, but I’m not psychologist I’m just a dumb dude who has I don’t think once in my life ever complained about getting to see a boob. That said, cutting all of them out of this movie would have reduced the run time by so much that I refuse to defend any of it as necessary in the slightest. It’s there to draw idiots like me in, either because it’s trying to emulate or satire all the other trash and budget movies that did or do the same thing to draw folks in and cover up their other deficiencies. As long as the ladies got paid and didn’t get forced to do it, power to them - I’m very much less hung up on the morals of banging on a desk four inches away from a bust of Hitler’s head and way more hung up on why the movie states only the ladies are supposed to become zombie like in appearance despite literally all the forces of evil being zombie-like when we see their faces.
You like dumb B-movie style entertainment that contains the three Bs (that’s Boobs, Blood, and Bullshit)? This movie would be perfect for you then. Get a few buds together to make it even more bearable as you laugh over how wooden much of the line deliveries are, or to pass time with banter as we hit the third montage moment or non-sense action that happens with no real rhyme, reason, or impact on the plot before it even lays out the story. It can be entertaining if you don’t have super high standards, but even the movie itself ends long before anything feels resolved - yeah, sure, sequel bait after credits scene or whatever. Look, I’ll be honest - if you want a good Nazi Zombie movie, go watch Overlord. If you want some B-fun with some pals who aren’t offended with some nudity and absurd violence and unbelievable happenings, go with this one.